she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
