I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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