worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
