oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
