shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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