Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
