Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
