Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
