Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
