wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
