It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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