I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
