She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
