That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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