Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
