u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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