If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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