turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
