Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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