Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
