when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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