I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
