I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
