fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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