i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
