I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
