we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
