I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
