Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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