i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
