I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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