I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
you never un-have a 4some
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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