I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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