You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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