I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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