Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
