I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
