Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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