Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
i need some magic done to my vagina
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
