Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
