Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
