Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
