M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
