I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Less talking, more tequila
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
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