i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
