Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
