I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize