I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
