I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
