just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
