Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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