it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
