508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
