So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
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