Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
