Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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