my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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