Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
