So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize