dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
It's just like the Real World with babies
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
